Been thinking about loss alot lately.
I have lost so much in the last few years, some days I feel like I’ve lost everything, first of all my family, friends, my privacy (we’ll get to that one later), my sanity … my self.
My family has completely abandoned me, even down to my mother. I’ve got a good but somewhat complicated relationship with my brother. Forgiveness is hard, and understanding is harder, I’m trying hard to forgive him for supporting his father, a paedophile and I still don’t understand why. Is a bond between a father, a father that way never supportive growing up, abusive and distant … is that bond THAT strong ?? I guess so. So strong that the fact that he stole a child’s life doesn’t matter whatsoever.
Friends, wow have I lost friends. People who I thought were good friends have turned their backs on me, have gone to the police fearing instead of talking to me. Friends have spread my shame, my humiliation to others for what ?? gossip.
Which leads to privacy, there is one thing to share what I share here on this blog and to the people closest to me. There is a whole other issue with running into people who ASK if things are true, who inquire about “what has happened” out of curiosity and not compassion. People who spread my story, not knowing the whole truth, gossiping about MY life. AND THEN there are people who think they deserve to know about my life, wow… just WOW. Nobody deserves to know about my life, if I choose to share my story with you, it’s my choice. I have a hand full of people whom I confide in, when I’m ready, when I can actually voice words … sometimes it takes me MONTHS and then we have the people who are not close to me in any way whatsoever and think I should tell them my whole life. GAWED
I think about loss …. I’ve lost so very much
At the same time …