Happy birthday little brother

Happy birthday little brother

Another birthday going by.

How do I feel ?

Sad, happy, thankful.

I don’t remember much about his birth, his little self, our big sister, little brother relationship, PTSD has taken that from me and that is a sad reality.  What I do remember is wanting to protect him, wanting to make sure he was not hurt and in doing that I let myself get hurt.

I’ve been going back to basics and re-reading Byron Katie’s work.  It leads me to refocus my thoughts.  When it comes to my brother, I put him first, I choose to protect him and not myself, I let the abuse continue in order for him to be safe and for him to have a “father”.

Yes there are many other factors involved however, I’m focussing on me.  I made many decisions that were not in my best interest and for that I need to forgive myself.  THAT IS HARD.

Most of my life has been about protecting others, making other’s lives better than mine.  WHY ?
Were they not capable of protecting themselves or were they not strong enough to deal with the consequence of my abuse or of their own choices ?  nobody will ever know.

Happy birthday little brother, I am sure you are now capable of protecting yourself, loving yourself and are strong enough to endure all of life’s ups and downs.  Although we are on very separate paths, I love you and wish you well.

I’m now focussing on myself, protecting myself and living MY truth.

In the words of Byron Katie, “There’s only one thing harder than accepting this, and that is not accepting it.”

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