Birthday

Today is my birthday

You know the feeling of wishing you were never born.  That’s how I feel today.

Life has been so hard, and just when you think you see light, something else hits you by surprise turning your life upside down.  It’s been a hard hard month, childhood memories flood my dreams at night and creep into my mind during the day.  Feelings of regret and unworthiness due to past errors fill me with pain and enhances the thought patters of wishing I was never born.

I’m trying so hard to live my truth, however I don’t like the truth of who I am, I feel broken and I need help. I need someone to hold me and tell me it’s all going to be ok, and that I’m not a horrible person, I’m worth something.

I feel like I’ve hurt everyone and I know I don’t deserve their compassion.  Sorry, sorry, sorry

Sorry to my beautiful children who had what they thought was a healthy family life, I never should have let that family anywhere near you and for that I’m so so sorry.

Sorry to my amazing husband for being the person I am, I don’t know why you stay.  I feel horrible that you live you life with me, I wish you would go and live the life you deserve.  You deserve to be with someone you can trust and respect, someone who is not filled with such an awful past.

Sorry to my maternal siblings who also thought they were living amongst a seemingly normal family.  Their worlds were turned inside out, I know the abuse was not my fault, and maybe I should have never said anything.  I just wanted to be free

Sorry to my mother, for ever being born, yes it was her decision to have me but at what cost ?
Having me was probably one of the absolute worst decisions of her life.  A decision she has to live with always and forever.  Giving birth to a child that looks like a man you hate, a child who has brought you nothing but pain, a child who attracted abuse and shame – I’m so sorry.

My life is filled with darkness, my birthday is not something to celebrate.

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