However

At the same time…
I HAVE GAINED SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much that the moments I feel loss, dissipate easier.
I have found my paternal family who has been AMAZING, supportive and loving and just wonderful, it’s surreal.  I can’t believe how quickly we’ve gotten close, someone pinch me.  I have reconnected with some of my cousins, connections that have been dormant for years. I’m happy I get to feel that connection with them again, I feel FAMILY !!!
Friends, I have a few AMAZING friends that to me are family as well.  I have exceptionally strong bonds with a few exceptional people.  We support each other, we lean on each other and I can talk to them about everything and anything.  I have learned how to open up and be vulnerable THAT WAS HARD, and it’s still hard but my friends know me, they love me, they are caring, compassionate and most of all understanding.  There is no inquiring to gossip, there is no expectations, just love and true friendships.
I still feel insane …. HA HA
but what is sane ?
I have good days and bad days.  I have PTSD, I have a dissasociative disorder, I have fibromyalgia and that’s OK.  It’s who I am and I’m ok with that.
I breathe, I love, I live my life, in truth and abundant LOVE.
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Loss

Been thinking about loss alot lately.
I have lost so much in the last few years, some days I feel like I’ve lost everything, first of all my family, friends, my privacy (we’ll get to that one later), my sanity … my self.
My family has completely abandoned me, even down to my mother.  I’ve got a good but somewhat complicated relationship with my brother.  Forgiveness is hard, and understanding is harder, I’m trying hard to forgive him for supporting his father, a paedophile and I still don’t understand why.  Is a bond between a father, a father that way never supportive growing up, abusive and distant … is that bond THAT strong ??  I guess so.  So strong that the fact that he stole a child’s life doesn’t matter whatsoever.
Friends, wow have I lost friends.  People who I thought were good friends have turned their backs on me, have gone to the police fearing instead of talking to me.  Friends have spread my shame, my humiliation to others for what ?? gossip.
Which leads to privacy, there is one thing to share what I share here on this blog and to the people closest to me.  There is a whole other issue with running into people who ASK if things are true, who inquire about “what has happened” out of curiosity and not compassion.  People who spread my story, not knowing the whole truth, gossiping about MY life.  AND THEN there are people who think they deserve to know about my life, wow… just WOW.  Nobody deserves to know about my life, if I choose to share my story with you, it’s my choice.  I have a hand full of people whom I confide in, when I’m ready, when I can actually voice words … sometimes it takes me MONTHS and then we have the people who are not close to me in any way whatsoever and think I should tell them my whole life.  GAWED
I think about loss …. I’ve lost so very much
At the same time …

Happy birthday little brother

Happy birthday little brother

Another birthday going by.

How do I feel ?

Sad, happy, thankful.

I don’t remember much about his birth, his little self, our big sister, little brother relationship, PTSD has taken that from me and that is a sad reality.  What I do remember is wanting to protect him, wanting to make sure he was not hurt and in doing that I let myself get hurt.

I’ve been going back to basics and re-reading Byron Katie’s work.  It leads me to refocus my thoughts.  When it comes to my brother, I put him first, I choose to protect him and not myself, I let the abuse continue in order for him to be safe and for him to have a “father”.

Yes there are many other factors involved however, I’m focussing on me.  I made many decisions that were not in my best interest and for that I need to forgive myself.  THAT IS HARD.

Most of my life has been about protecting others, making other’s lives better than mine.  WHY ?
Were they not capable of protecting themselves or were they not strong enough to deal with the consequence of my abuse or of their own choices ?  nobody will ever know.

Happy birthday little brother, I am sure you are now capable of protecting yourself, loving yourself and are strong enough to endure all of life’s ups and downs.  Although we are on very separate paths, I love you and wish you well.

I’m now focussing on myself, protecting myself and living MY truth.

In the words of Byron Katie, “There’s only one thing harder than accepting this, and that is not accepting it.”

A sentence ?

A sentence ?

Was talking with my husband the other day, with lots of things going on. These words came out of my mouth and I thought I would write about it.

“I was sentenced when I was 3 years old and I live with that sentence every day”

We talk about the sentences for these paedophiles, these minimal sentences that mean nothing, people who abuse dogs get longer “sentences”.  DOGS, thinks about that !

But nobody ever thinks of the victims, people like me who are doing well in life, now, like right now at this moment, but as you know these moments pass and in a few moments I may not be doing well, I may be triggered by something, I may have a flash back, someone smoking a cigarette might walk past me etc…

We were sentenced as innocent children, and we live with this throughout our lives, weather we are executives or people struggling to make ends meet.  Many people think that if you are doing well in life that what happened to you as a child doesn’t really matter anymore, but it does, it’s formed you, it’s made you who you are today.  Is it who you are ? NO

Society tends to focus on the downtrodden, those who are visibly struggling.  Even if I’m not one of those people I do have my struggles and they are real.  I truly feel for the people who have suffered as I have and are walking down a very different path than I.  I wish there was more I could do for them, to help them rise up, soar to their greatest potential and show those criminals that they can’t and won’t have a hold on us.

The next time someone talks about the sentencing of a child abuser, the next time a Judge hears a case of child abuse, they should really think about the sentence these horrible individuals have imposed on innocent children.  It’s a lifetime sentence of pain, reminders, mental health issues etc… a sentence we never deserved.

Birthday

Today is my birthday

You know the feeling of wishing you were never born.  That’s how I feel today.

Life has been so hard, and just when you think you see light, something else hits you by surprise turning your life upside down.  It’s been a hard hard month, childhood memories flood my dreams at night and creep into my mind during the day.  Feelings of regret and unworthiness due to past errors fill me with pain and enhances the thought patters of wishing I was never born.

I’m trying so hard to live my truth, however I don’t like the truth of who I am, I feel broken and I need help. I need someone to hold me and tell me it’s all going to be ok, and that I’m not a horrible person, I’m worth something.

I feel like I’ve hurt everyone and I know I don’t deserve their compassion.  Sorry, sorry, sorry

Sorry to my beautiful children who had what they thought was a healthy family life, I never should have let that family anywhere near you and for that I’m so so sorry.

Sorry to my amazing husband for being the person I am, I don’t know why you stay.  I feel horrible that you live you life with me, I wish you would go and live the life you deserve.  You deserve to be with someone you can trust and respect, someone who is not filled with such an awful past.

Sorry to my maternal siblings who also thought they were living amongst a seemingly normal family.  Their worlds were turned inside out, I know the abuse was not my fault, and maybe I should have never said anything.  I just wanted to be free

Sorry to my mother, for ever being born, yes it was her decision to have me but at what cost ?
Having me was probably one of the absolute worst decisions of her life.  A decision she has to live with always and forever.  Giving birth to a child that looks like a man you hate, a child who has brought you nothing but pain, a child who attracted abuse and shame – I’m so sorry.

My life is filled with darkness, my birthday is not something to celebrate.

The greatest prison people live in is the fear of what other people think

The greatest prison people live in is the fear of what other people think.

Why is it that I feel and I mean FEEL, such remorse and even physical pain when I’ve made a mistake, a poor choice in life ?

Do you ever feel like you deserve what has happened to you, like karma is working in reverse ?

Maybe karma knew you were going to make mistakes in life and just stared early ?

I’m farrrr from perfect and I’ve hurt people along the way. When I’m reminded, the hurt and remorse is so strong and hard to bear, I feel fear, so much fear for my sanity and my life.

I do truly frear of what my loved ones think, and it is a prison sentence. So I stay in my house, I make sure people know where I am, who I’m with, what I’m doing, how I feel (I don’t even know how I feel sometimes). I want them to know I’m not making more mistakes. I apologize and try to make amends for the hurt I’ve caused, sorry, sorry, sorry.

This is my life, so scared to commit mistakes that will hurt people I LOVE.

Today I’m reminded that I too have hurt people, I feel like a horrible person, unworthy of love and forgiveness. I deserve the prison sentence of my own mind.

Sorry, sorry, sorry… I feel it’s my mantra, sometimes.

Do you wonder if the child abusers feel this way ?

Why is it that we feel sorry for family devastation, sorry for who we are, even sorry for trying to find love and joy ?

Beauty of DID

So we all know that I have CPSTD and DID, DID meaning dissacociative identity disorder.  AND there is a beauty to it, it protects me from my past.

However, the problem with my past is that there were other people there.  Unless they bring the past up, I don’t remember it and quite frankly, I’m ok with that.

Someone from my past, called me yesterday, said he wants to talk…. about our childhood.  THAT is never a good thing, never, ever.  Anyhow, he needs my help putting pieces together, I told him that I don’t have memories of our childhood and I probably would not be much help.

Now, hours later, my mind is going a million miles an hour, what is going on ?
What does he want from me?
Is he going to hurt me ?
Why now ?